Welcome to another slice of Something For The Weekend, which I write whilst surrounded by half-eaten Easter eggs and with three different Europa League games on, sounds like Gab Marcotti’s wet dream. This week we focus mainly on domestic action (hopefully with more success than Mick Philpott) whilst taking a short detour down the autobahn along the way.
So, first stop is Dean Court ; we’ve featured Bournemouth before on ‘SFTW’ and they normally are home bankers. Ironically, it is also the home for a lot of bankers who flock to Waterloo in rush hour like suited sea horses. In Brett Pitman, the Cherries have one of the in form strikers in the lower leagues, if he scored for a sixth game in a row this weekend, it would be the icing and cherry on the cake. County are quite an unpredictable outfit and with Chris Kiwomya freshly installed as manager – a move that was celebrated across the football world, especially by Oliver Holt of The Mirror. Kiwomya was a former Ipswich Town legend but will be remembered by Arsenal fans as one of George Graham’s dodgy (in every sense of the word) purchases. The Cherries’ need for a win to enhance their promotion push is much greater than that of mid-table County.
Bet 365 offer 4/7 on Eddie Howe’s seaside slickers to claim a victory
here and that looks tastier than some cod and chips washed down with Dorset Ginger, oh I do like to pee beside the seaside.
We move down a rung next, as we feature Torquay United’s trip to Gillingham in a top versus bottom League Two clash. When featuring The Gills before, we have mentioned the strength of their defence, which is a lot harder to penetrate than most things in Kent. They have kept a remarkable 17 clean sheets in the league this season and have unveiled something of a gem with journeyman goalkeeper Stuart Nelson, a man who has frequented more shit clubs than TOWIE’s Mark Wright. Torquay, on the other hand face a relegation scrap, it is unbelievably close at the bottom of this division and there are nearly a dozen sides who could find themselves in the care of the Blue Square next season. A win for them would send them back to Devon happier than a Devonian with his cousin and a six pack of Scrumpy Jack. Sorry, that joke was older than Helen Chamberlain. Anyway, The Gills will find this more straightforward than a non-league footballer clotting his cream inside Hells Bells.
Sky Bet go 4/6 on a Gillingham victory
, and that looks a lot more useful than the Duke and Duchess of Kent.
As promised, we move away from domestic bliss to a bit of love on the autobahn, as Eintracht Frankfurt take on Bayern Munich. Bayern have been indomitable of late, they followed up a stunning 9-2 victory in the Bundesliga last week against Hamburg with a routine Champions League victory against Juventus. Will they devour Frankfurter with the same relish as they devoured last week’s Hamburger? (I prefer mustard myself). Frankfurt are having a pretty good season themselves and could well achieve European qualification, they have a talented squad including the young Peruvian defender Carlos Zambrano : a man who has been catching the eye of Brendan Rodgers. Apparently he has been watching him nearly as closely as he has his Office box sets. Bayern’s away record is beyond belief – who says the Germans don’t travel well? I expect them to carry on this astonishing streak and to have the Bundesliga in the bag faster than you can say Mario Mandžukić.
Bet 365 offer 8/15 on a Bavarian sausage fest
(that’s a Bayern win to you and I).
Finally, we head to Stamford Bridge as Rafa Benitez’ weary troops take on Paolo Di Canio’s Black Cats. Some people have been critical of Rafa’s rotation, saying that he is more interested in embellishing his CV than finishing fourth. Rumours weren’t dispelled when Benitez was seen translating ‘Europa League & FA Cup winners’ into every European language on his ‘google translate’ app – he did have trouble getting his fat fingers around the iPad though and that’s a fact. However, the media circus have a new hate figure this week, self-proclaimed fascist Paolo Di Canio, who has attracted the wrath of washed up politicians, red top newspapers and miners this week – sounds like an average night in B wing for Chris Huhne. Paolo is an ambitious man though, he says he eventually wants to conquer Europe (presumably starting with Poland). If you ever wanted to disprove fascist propaganda that white people are a superior race : Sunderland would be a good place to take a trip to. Do you know the difference between a girl from Sunderland and a Kit Kat? You only get four fingers in a Kit Kat. Anyway, enough of the cheap jokes on Paolo, although I did get a sneaky peek of his proposed line up, it seemed heavily stacked with right wingers – a little unbalanced? Probably no more so than The Daily Mirror. To be fair, most younger Sun readers thought Mussolini was an Italian dessert before this week, so every cloud…Anyway, back to the matter in hand – this will be Chelsea’s fourth game in eight days and something has got to give. A new man in charge nearly always has an immediate impact (especially in a Fascist dictatorship). Just joking, Il Duce.
Sky Bet offer 21/10 on a Sunderland win/draw double chance
and that looks a lot more likely than Rafa being asked about General Franco’s domestic policy in the post match press conference. Forza Italia!
I’m off to prepare for the Grand National – my tip : bet on the V neck, it’s a great jumper. Bisexual Boy is also a great each way bet. Apparently Tesco are sponsoring Becher’s Brook this year, every little helps. Hope you don’t fall at the first hurdle this weekend.
By Jamie Ellis
