So the quarter-finals are upon us. The Russians have been frozen out, the Mexicans have been cheated out and the Spanish have tiki-taka tanked out. It has been a World Cup to remember – who could forget Japan 0 – 0 Greece? An event that no doubt is being immortalized in the form of manga comics and epic poems as we speak. The World Cup is a magical event, bringing nations from around the globe together to kick and abuse each other – how else could Ghanaians come to despise Uruguayans? Well, perhaps Suarez would have found a way to do that without football. Now we take a look at events so far, to reflect on the lighter side of Brazil 2014.
DAY 2
Superhero-like Header Adds Insult To Injury
It started with a BANG, the Flying Dutchman’s ‘salmon header’ helped Holland rock the defending Spanish champions in a 5-1 thrashing, Iker Casillas’s tenure as La Roja No. 1 goalkeeper came to an end in Rio and this embarrassment is something he will never forget. The Spain manager went from 1st Marquis of Del Bosque to Del Trotter of Nelson Mandela House, as any plonker could tell that Casillas had long since past his sell by date. It may be an end of an era in Spain, but with three major tournament gold medals in a row it is hard to feel sorry for them.
DAY 4
#ThingsThatConfuseJonathanPearce
The 1966 World Cup had the famous “They think it’s all over” commentary from Kenneth Wolstenholme, and the 2014 World Cup has the infamous “The whole goal-line technology debate will flare up again!” commentary from Jonathan Pearce. Pearce, an anti-technology luddite who presumably saw Robot Wars as a chilling vision of the future rather than a children’s TV show, spectacularly failed to grasp the concept of a linear time as Karim Benzema netted his second goal off the post after Honduras keeper Valladares failed to keep the ball from crossing the goal-line: “first it wasn’t a goal, then it was, which is it?” has to be one of the dumbest things ever said at a football match since “Wayne, stay out on the left mate!”.
DAY 7
Alex Song…. A Hired Hitman?
Think of a disastrous campaign and Cameroon’s may spring to mind. In-fighting and disputes ravaged the squad and threats of boycotts over bonuses were rumored, so at least Alex Song’s infamous knife in the back (read elbow) red card came for elbowing an opposition player rather than a teammate. Allegations of “fraud” and match fixing are now coming to light, presumably on the basis that anyone losing 4-0 to Croatia must have done so on purpose.
DAY 7
Australia have dominated cricket, rugby union and err… Aussie rules football and have recently turned their hand to ‘soccer’ despite having few Aussies with any natural footballing talent. Before the tournament they were written off as a bunch of drongos but they proved harder to kill off than a cornered dingo and they took Chile to the wire before almost causing the mother of all upsets by taking a 2-1 lead over the Netherlands. Tim Cahill aside, who lit up the competition with a world class volley, there were no players of any real quality in the squad so the team’s efforts are well worthy of raising a can of Fosters to in salute. Alex Williamson’s crude humor only went to prove why Aussies shouldn’t commentate, above, his take on Cahill’s stunning goal against the dutch.
DAY 13
Man or Vampire?
Only Bakkal, Ivanovic and Chiellini have scars to prove the latter but what we all know is that when Suarez hurts his eye he holds his teeth, best not to question a mad man eh? With such prominent teeth there is no need for Suarez to further draw attention to them, after all we have yet to see Ibrahimović going at people with his nose… but perhaps that is something to look forward to at Russia 2016. Banned for nine internationals and unable to attend training sessions for four months it will be a long time before we see this guy again, for now, let’s all join Balotelli in mocking him.
DAY 15
Ronaldo and Co… Zero Impact
Portugal entered the tournament with a solid defence and the best player in the world in top form. They may have looked like the cast of a typical gladiator movie – Ronaldo the hero with his dashing good looks, Hugo Almeida providing the comic relief as the world weary tavern owner, Raul Meireles is clearly the sadistic villain, whilst Bruno Alves got lost on the way to a reboot of the Frankenstein series – but they exited with a meaningless victory over Ghana. Pepe looks an abused dog, and acted like one by head-butting Thomas Muller, the resulting red card being a major factor in the 5-0 defeat that ultimately ended their World Cup hopes in the first match.
DAY 18
Relegated Keeper Rocks the World Stage
Mexico struggled to reach the finals, so little was expected off the Latinos when they turned up in Brazil with a goalkeeper who apparently had a role in the hit TV show ‘How I Met Your Mother’. However Guillermo Ocha (known as Ted Mosby to his friends) showed that whoever is to blame for his club side Ajaccio suffering relegation from the French top-flight it isn’t their Mexican goalkeeper. Ocha’s heroic saves against Brazil earned comparisons to the great Gordon Banks. We can only assume that his model girlfriend, Karla Mora, promised him a special night if he kept a clean sheet against the host nation.
